I wander my house like a ghost. Hands to the sun with silent prayers, uttered with no redemption in sight. Would they take me, if I lapsed into confession? Crumbled fast at the mere thought of you, and hyperventilated until I was a puff of smoke.
I wander my house like a ghost, with the hopes that in that form I may find you, kicking your feet on the veranda, somehow just lost for a while. You’re never there, but then again, everywhere I look for you, you seem to have just left.
I wander my mind like a tyrant. Slashing forth for the Next Big Thing. Tearing about like a thunderous beast and hoping no one notices I still have my slippers on. It’s a new year, and everyone’s talking. I’m not new, someone left my legs in the last year when I neglected to step into a new era and so I cannot feel the ground under my feet and know not on what business I stand. The list is long, regardless. There is too much to do to die.
I wander your heart like a guest, humble and full of polished words, at the ready for your invitation to take a seat with your soul. Folding inward, sometimes, knowing what I got myself into. You feel like home to me. I’ll pull up a chair in the foyer, just to wait for you. I catch you, there, in a hall of horrors, swimming in what-ifs, waiting for the ceiling to fall. We built it better than this, no?
I wonder in what world I’ll see you. If it’s yours or mine or unknown. And I query the gods and ask them for what little they tell me is all in translation and I barely know the words. They’ll sing to me if I ask them, in melodies I’ve never heard. Can you play them for me, Argentina? Forgive me, if I have to cry.
I haunt these rooms like a phantom. I hope they remember me in 162 days when I return to all that is good and all that is hurt and all that lies unspoken. I sit - mama, I’m slouching - on the yellow couch and I want it to swallow me. I want to play hide and seek. And not be found until the threat has fled, for fear of me and my invisibility.
What do I know about the spirit? How do I reach you there? Why are my hands so cold?
-TC xx